Guest Blogger: Gabriel the Cat

Greetings. Gabriel, here.

Something incredibly disconcerting has recently come to my attention and I felt it was imperative to hijack my mom’s blog for the purpose of addressing it. My sister, Bella, and I have been overhearing a disturbing amount of Humans ask my parents when they are going to Hurry Up And Have Children Already.

I beg your pardon?

What bestows upon you the right to ascend into MY abode and start uttering such preposterously offensive language? Are you under the impression that just because I’m a cat I don’t know what you’re saying?

Oh, I know. I know.

I hear you, every time you inquire as to when they are going to Start A Family. Every time you unwittingly imply that Cat Children Don’t Count. Every time I am indirectly equated with Chopped Liver (except, I never actually understood that expression, because I find liver rather delectable).  We ARE a family. Cat Children DO COUNT. And I AM NOT CHOPPED LIVER.

Okay. I apologize for my outburst. Believe it or not, my usual demeanor is rather agreeable and extremely pleasant in fact - I also actually quite fancy the vast majority of Humans who call on my parents.  But, I must ask you – no, implore you - to PLEASESTOP trying to get them to Have (Human) Children.

 Bella & I have discussed this, and we prefer for things to remain just as they are.  We have been previously exposed to Human Children (well, not Bella because most people scare the crap out of her, but she can hear the Human Children and their Noise from her Secret Hiding Spots when they are on the premises). They are vile, odious creatures - vermin best kept to those Humans who are not evolved enough to reside with cats.

In an effort to prove my point, I have compiled a list of Reasons Why Cat Children Are Better Than Human Children. I humbly request that you read it, and do so with an open mind, as I believe that the logic behind my reasoning will speak for itself. Let us begin.

Our Parents Already Have Someone To Nurture And Love And Post Obscene Amounts Of Pictures Of On Their Social Network Of Choice

Often times a couple will have a Human Child because they desire to have something to love and nurture and raise and discipline and populate the earth with. This is all well and good – but a cat can meet all of these needs for you. We need lots of love and nurturing. In fact, because we’re animals, we will always need you just as much (if not more) in the middle and end of our lives as we do in the beginning. We aren’t  ever going to learn how to get our own food and water, scoop our own feces, put on our own preposterous outfits, drive ourselves to doctor’s appointments, or what have you (and even if we did we sure as HEdoublehockeysticks wouldn’t tell you about it).  If you want to feel needed, HERE WE ARE. We won't outgrow your love either. True, some cats get crotchety as they get older, but the majority of us will still sleep in your bed, and cuddle up on your lap and purr, and let you kiss all over us well into our teen years. How many Human Children can you say that about.  It’s the same results as Attachment Parenting, but way less creepy.

And we certainly need discipline. Bella & I still jump onto the counters sometimes, even though we know those are in the Forbidden Zone, and Lord knows we still try to scratch on our parents’ nice leather couches even when they are sitting right there and even though we have a Very Sweet Cat Tree with scratching posts in our room. Why do you think we try to scratch the couches in front of them sometimes even though we know we’ll get into trouble?  It’s for them, not us. The opportunity to discipline and mold and shape us into becoming Good Cats Who Make Good Decisions is a rewarding experience that they derive a deep (though, granted, likely unacknowledged) satisfaction from – and, even if they aren’t keenly aware of this, it’s still quietly, subtly filling a void in that area of their life that they now do not have to seek to fill with a Human Child or (shudder) Children.

And, as far as the pictures go, I’m pretty sure my Mom has over a hundred in her Gabe & Bella album on Facebook, so.

Let’s Just Get This One Out Of The Way

No Human Child could ever be as Really, Really Ridiculously Good-Looking as I am. I’m just saying.

Human Children Are Loud. We Are Not 

Our parents are able to maintain a quiet existence with us in their lives. That’s not to say we NEVER meow or make noise, but the instances are infrequent and short-lived. Like, we’re pretty much quiet all the time. Human Children are loud most of the time. So are their toys.  And their god-awful television shows. And have you ever HEARD a Human Child throw a tantrum? That alone should be effective enough to make the rest of my list unnecessary.  But, I’ll continue.

Human Children Are Messy. We Are Only Somewhat Messy

Have you ever noticed how much CRAP comes with a kid?  Our home is relatively clutter free and only gets messy if my parents are sick or Currently Addicted To A TV Show That They Haven’t Seen Every Episode Of Yet and don’t clean it as much as they normally would. Admittedly, Bella and I do leave a toy or two on the floor from time to time, we aren’t the World’s Neatest Eaters, and we do sometimes get cat litter on Things That Are Not The Litter Box. However, our mess is manageable - utterly and completely manageable.  A Human Child’s mess, on the other hand, will kickyourass. Every hour of every minute of every day. There will always be Kid Furniture And/Or Supplies everywhere, toys scattered throughout every room, and every surface will have a Mysterious Stickiness on it. Your house is not your own anymore, it has been taken over by Human Child Crap. And, let me just say,  if I couldn’t stretch way out on the carpet because a pile of Hot Wheels Cars and a pink baby doll stroller was in my way, I would be slightly pissed.

 Have I Mentioned Diapers?

I realize that we cats use a litter box, a litter box that has to be scooped out and maintained...once every day or two.  And I can GUARANTEE you nobody has to wipe my derriere. A Human Child means changing diapers into the double digits, every single day, until they are old enough to use the bathroom by themselves. I came to my parents already potty trained. I win.

My Parents Still Know What Sleep Is

We never wake our parents up during the night. And, in fact, we let them sleep as long as they want to on the weekends, even though that may mean getting our breakfast several hours later than what we’re used to. We’re just awesome like that. Human Children will wake you up during the night often and don’t really give a crap if you want to sleep in on the weekends. Our parents get to sleep as much as they want. And, as a cat, I understand that sleep is a Very Beautiful Thing.

Baby-Sitters Need Not Apply

Our Mom & Dad can get up and go anytime the mood strikes them, without giving it a second thought. Whenever, wherever. Heck, they can even go away for MULTIPLE DAYS if they so desire, without having to worry about us. Since Human Children, however, are Pathetic Creatures That Require Constant Supervision, our parents would either have to bring them along or find a Baby-Sitter to come and sit on the children in their absence; they would also probably have to pay said Baby-Sitter for their services. Which brings me to my next point.

Human Children Are Expensive Little Boogers

My mom is currently the only one bringing home a pay check, because Dad is in school trying become a BAMF Fighter Pilot Dad. That being the case, they can only afford to accommodate the living expenses for the four of us – trust me.  And Bella & I do cost money. We go to a Nice Vet’s Office that only treats cats, we eat Good Food, we pee and poo in High-Quality Litter. We do not, however, eat three meals a day (plus snacks) or drink anything other than free water, wear clothes and shoes and diapers, get an ear infection once a month, own more toys than what could fit in a small warehouse, need an obscene amount of Supplies,  or have any plans to attend college.  Human Children are fricking expensive. We are only slightly expensive. Slightly > fricking.

We Do Not Require Our Parents To Watch Nauseating Kids Shows That Make Them Want to Stab Something Sharp In Their Eye And/Or Ear

Our parents have full control over the remote, 24/7. Sure, there are shows that are more interesting to us than others, but we are happy to watch whatever floats their boat. Lately, it’s been a lot of Supernatural. (Partly because it’s one of the greatest shows ever made, and partly because Mom has a crush on Dean.) But, the point is, they can watch their show as often as they want, for as long as they want. They don’t have to wait until Bella and I go to bed, and they don’t have to spend our waking hours watching Dora the Explorer and The Wiggles. And, as shallow as it sounds, I think there’s something to be said for that.

(Bella would like to add one)

People other than my Mom & Dad are Very Scary. Me no likey people. NO MORE PEOPLE NEED TO LIVE HERE EVER.  

Okay, I’m back. I hope that my list was enlightening. If you already have Human Children and are now like, “Blast, this sucks”, I apologize. I would never want anyone who has already been saddled with the little vermin to get rid of them or anything on my account. My only point is that my Mom & Dad (and Bella & I, for that matter) are still Free And Unaffected By The Things Discussed In The Above List. And I for one would like to keep it that way as long as possible.

So, stop telling them to Hurry Up And Have Children Already. Or I will find you and claw your eyes out with the nails that I’ve been sharpening on their leather couch. You have been warned.