Monday, July 16, 2012

The Eight Deadly Sins of Facebook

(Disclaimer: Even if you know you do something(s) mentioned in the list below, I promise I don't hate you. The majority of us have probably all been guilty of at least one of these things in one instance or another, and this is all in good fun. There. Glad we got that out of the way.)

We all know them. Maybe some of us, at one point or another, have even been One of Them. You know who I'm talking about - that person whose Facebook posts are so obnoxious that we keep them on our friends list either because we know if we delete them it will be become A Thing (thank you, Unsubscribe button), or because we still want to be able to see their posts so we can laugh about them and pat ourselves on the back for being cool enough to know better than to post such Ridiculous & Unnecessary Material on our social network of choice (hold on, I'll be right back, I need to update my status so everyone knows what flavor of food my cats had for supper).

Okay, I'm back. Anyway, the truth of the matter is, each person has the right to post whatever they want on their own Facebook page - it's their page, and they aren't forcing anyone to be on their friends list and, thus, expose themselves to any unwanted viewing material (unless, of course, it's their boyfriend/girlfriend, because if they can't put that they're "in a relationship" with that person then, really, is there any solid foundation for said relationship to build on in the first place? I think not). The point is, if someone doesn't like what you post on your page, they don't have to be subscribed to your posts, or even be on your friends list for that matter (in most cases) - but, really, who wants to be That Person Everyone Is Unsubscribed From Because They Might Possibly Be The Most Annoying Person Ever On Facebook ?

In light of this undesirable fate that is currently afflicting countless of people across the nation, and around the world, I have compiled a list of the Eight Deadly Sins of Facebook (I know the Bible only had seven deadly sins but it's Facebook and, yes, it's That Serious). As you read through the following items, pause to reflect on whether you recognize yourself in one or more (all? shudder.) of them and, then, know that those of us on The Other Side are rooting for you should you seek to make some positive changes in your future Facebook activity. Or, if you don't find yourself recently guilty of any of the transgressions listed below, just enjoy chuckling at the people who will most surely pop into your head, and consider educating them on Proper Social Network Etiquette by sharing this post with them at your earliest convenience.

I may want to unsubscribe from/block/delete you after being tempted to stick Something Sharp & Unpleasant in my eye if you are a repeat offender in one or more of the following areas:

1. Drama

An obvious one, albeit, but it has to be said. No one needs to relive middle school or high school and, if we really want to, that's what DeGrassi is for. Savethedramaforyourmama or your Teen Angst-Ridden Television Series of choice.

2. TMI

"TMI", in this case, suggests one of two things. It can either mean "Wow, I'm not sure I wanted to know all the intimate details of your cousin's STD, but thanks.", or it can mean, "I wonder if she's alright, because she hasn't updated her status in about 15 minutes and I'm now slightly concerned. Let me give her a cal--oh, wait, never mind--she just posted something." Regardless, it always means TOO MUCH INFORMATION. Keep the private, intimate details of your life how they're supposed to be (hint: private & intimate), and resist the urge to alert the media every time you, your kid, yo mama, yo daddy, or yo bald headed granny even remotely change activities. It's not that serious.

3. Attention Whoring

You are definitely might be an Attention Whore if you have posted a status similar to one or more of the following in the recent past:

"I just uploaded 197 pics of myself, COMMENTS PLS!!!" When you consider the amount of time it requires to take 197 'acceptable' mirror pics with your cell phone, upload them all to Facebook, and put a Dashboard Confessional lyric caption under each one, it seems like it would make more sense just to skip all the aforementioned steps and post something like, "Hey, I'm feeling a little insecure today, so if you could leave a comment under this status telling me how cute/gorgeous/pretty/beautiful/hot/bootilicious you think I am, that would be swell." Honest and to the point, plus, not having to scroll through A Mind-Bogglingly Excessive Amount Of Duck Lips Self-Portraits saves everyone precious time that they can use to watch Mad Men episodes on Netflix. We all win.

"I don't think I have a lot of true friends on here who actually read my posts so, if you are really my friend, 'like' this post, leave a comment underneath saying what you ate for breakfast the day that you met me, then repost this status. For those of you who don't, I'll know where I stand with you (aka: the next time I see you I'll be super awkward and stand-offish and will refuse to tell you what's bothering me when you ask because, really, how could you not know)."

"I just can't take it anymore. I've hit rock bottom. Things can't get any worse. Don't ask what's going on and, no, I don't wanna talk about it - it's way too personal and, besides, I don't want the attention." If you don't want to talk about it, and you don't want anyone to know about it, then what was the point of posting it in the first place? Oh right, because you "don't want the attention".

"I'm so bored" (...7 minutes later...) "Still SO bored" (...5 minutes later...) "SO SO SO bored" (...3.5.minutes later...) "NEVER BEEN SO BORED IN MY WHOLE LIFE" (...2.14 minutes later...) "Still bored" (...etc..) Cool story, bro. Tell it again.

"I can't believe that happened at work today!" or "Totally didn't see this one coming..." or "I wish I could take it back." etc. aka: I am purposely omitting crucial information from my status in hopes of procuring some warm & fuzzy comments from Concerned Friends because, apparently, I don't realize how obvious and sad that is. aka: "Vaguebooking"

4. Excessive Political Propaganda

I get that People Who Are Into Politics often feel very passionately about their opinions, especially in the case of a presidential election. It is a big deal, and the way that other people vote will ultimately affect you since you will have to sit under whichever president is elected just like everyone else will. And, Facebook really is a great platform to utilize when you want to make Very Important Information available to 473 of your closest friends all at once. Thatbeingsaid. I do not need, nor desire, to see 27 posts per day related to your political candidate of choice (this is including but not limited to statuses, video clips, and Catchy Campaign Slogans underneath Epic-Looking Pictures of their head photo-shopped onto a bald eagle) which may or may not be accompanied by 27 more posts that talk about all the reasons why the opposing candidate is The Devil (along with foosball, Ben Franklin, and little girls, of course). If I want to see An Unnecessary Amount of Political Propaganda Squeezed Into The Tiniest Block Of Time Possible then I'll watch something on Hulu, thankyouverymuch.

I'm Sara Forrest, and I approve this message.

5. Old Skool Txt Tlk

Typing lk this is gr8 & all but cn get ann0ying after a whl 2 th0se who hv 2 read it. D0n't u c h0w this c0uld b irritating if sum1 d0es it ALLthetime? D0ing it in a txt msg or on a lcnse plate is 1 thing but when ur typing sumthing out on the internet it's m0re asthetically pleasing 2 others if u just type ur w0rdz out nrmlly, w/ all the ltrs present & acc0unted 4. Jst syn k? L8r.

6. Manipulative 'Share This If You Love Jesus Otherwise You Are Declaring To The Entire (Facebook) World That Satan Is Your Homeboy' Statuses and/or Pictures.

I have no beef with someone 'liking' Jesus on Facebook. I also take no issue with someone posting a "Share This If Jesus Is Your Superhero!" picture of a cartoon Jesus sporting a superman-esque "JC" on his not very superman-esque robe. People 'like' and show support for things on FB all the time (Chick Fil-A, Amazon...Nickelback), and neither of the two examples mentioned above are things meant to manipulate or induce guilt in anyway. But, let's get one thing straight. I do not I repeat do not have to validate my relationship with and/or love for Jesus by reposting a manipulative status or a picture of him crying on a unicorn with the text for Mathew 10:32 beneath it in Large & Intimidating Font, and if you truly believe otherwise then that's your issue, not mine. To be honest, if my relationship with him was really based on such shallowness and not on, you know, stuff that actually matters, I'm not sure I would hold it in very high regard anyhow so, either way, I'mnotrepostingthedamnthingthanks. Luckily for me, Jesus doesn't give a rat's derriere about all that poppy cock, mostly because he's too busy wanting us to share his message in a way that's relevant, effective, and Not Weird.

All this to say, if you happen to post something like that at any point in the future and notice that I am online at the time but have neglected to repost, don't waste any valuable energy worrying about the state of my soul. I'm alright. But, since it would be rude to completely ignore your post, I will be sharing this picture in response:

7. Make-Out Pictures

One word: Thatisunnecessarynottomentiondisgustingwhereisyourmother

8. Sending Multiple Game App Requests To People Who Don't Play The Game

I get sending a request to a non-player the first time. Maybe they've never heard of the game before and would possibly enjoy it, or maybe they've been meaning to check it out but keep forgetting, and then when they see your request they're all, "How convenient. I've been meaning to check this game out, but keep forgetting". This is perfectly acceptable to do - once or twice. If you've sent multiple (aka: daily) requests that have been ignored or declined, then it's probably safe to assume that person is not interested. And for the love of all that is holy, if you see that I do not play Farmville, do not send 17 different requests asking me to till your dang field or buy you a cow. You shouldn't even be permitted to send app requests like that to people who don't play the game. PLEASESTOP.

So, those are my Eight Deadly Sins of Facebook. Is there anything you would add to or remove from the list if it was yours? Inquiring minds want to know.

Happy Facebooking, and Happy Tuesday.


  1. Sara, I LOVE this! I wanna steal it and claim it as mine! You are in my head writing down all the things I think when I'm on facebook!

    1. Haha, thanks, Kay! Glad you can relate :) Feel free to share it on your Facebook wall or anywhere else that you think it can be of use ;)

  2. I'm going to have to revisit this when I'm not falling asleep at the keyboard, for the most part, I'm liking it, and Jesus certainly rules!

  3. Thank you for putting it so eloquently and saying exactly what I think every time I log on...which is actually not that much now due to the list above : ) I miss hanging out with you. You are so smart and witty.

    1. Well, thank you very much :) Miss you too!