Monday, July 30, 2012

Don't Forget: Lock The Door

I did something last night that I never ever do (ever). I went to bed with the door unlocked.

This was not intentional. In fact, it usually stays locked 24/7 because, despite my relatively idyllic childhood, I am Obscenely Paranoid & Untrusting. Even though I know we always keep the door locked I will still normally ask Hubby if he's SURE it is locked (since he's usually the last one home) right before we fall asleep, unless I know for a fact I double checked it myself. And if his answer sounds anything less than 137% confident I will get up and check, even though I detest getting out of bed after I'm already under the covers but I figure it's less horrific than getting murdered. Maybe.

One may deduce from my behavior that we live in a Very Scary Place. According to the Apartment Review Websites you will get shot and killed at least once per week if you are stupid enough to reside in our complex but, personally, I think all that stuff is made up by people trying to cause the complex to lose business because they're bitter about the fact that it takes about 3.87 years to get your broken dishwasher replaced. It's a rather highly-populated complex and, in that respect, I guess the potential for violent crime is increased, but I have lived here a year and in that time have never encountered anyone I had an issue with. Mostly because I Say No To Drugs and keep my door locked 24/7.

The thing is, that particular evening, it didn't occur to me to double check the door before bed, or grill Hubby about it before we fell asleep, so I drifted off in utter peace, completely oblivious to the fact that I was in the midst of a Very Dangerous Situation (dun dun dun). Nothing happened, obviously, and 99 (or even 100) times out 100 it probably wouldn't - but had I known the door was unlocked while I was trying to fall asleep, I would have been a legitimate wreck. How do I know this?

This past year, Hubby would often get up at the Butt Crack Of Dawn to go to PT or something else equally horrible to do at the Butt Crack Of Dawn which is anything other than sleep or eat pie. He was normally good about locking the door behind him and I appreciated this since, as previously mentioned, I wasn't trying to get out from under my covers to go lock the door ordoanythingelseforthatmatter. One particular morning though, as I heard the door open and close, my ears failed to register the click of the deadbolt which was my All Clear Signal and invitation to go back to sleep for another several hours knowing that I was safe and soundin a locked apartment.That's because the deadbolt never turned. I was not in fact safe and sound in a locked apartment - I was in the midst of a Very Dangerous Situation (dun dun dun).

On that particular morning it was exceptionally cold. I toyed with the idea of not getting out of bed to lock the door and just assuming that I was going to be fine. I toyed with it pretty darn hard. No, I thought, I just need to get up and lock it, it will take 30 seconds. That's when my cat, Gabriel, jumped onto the bed, curled up next to me, and started purring. Let me stop here.

I don't know why, but a soft, warm, snuggly, purry kitty cuddling into me while I'm lying in bed is about the Most Relaxing Enjoyable Experience Ever In Life. It puts me under a spell (no, really) and I seriously can't get out of bed (seriously). And, even if I could, Gabriel might have jumped down as well and not felt like coming back up and then I would have missed out on the Most Relaxing Enjoyable Experience Ever In Life. And I couldn't live with that.

This is the predicament I found myself in on that chilly, weekday morning. It was decided that I would not get up to lock the door. As I laid there with Gabriel for a minute or two, becoming further hypnotized by his Purry Voodoo Magic, I thought, "This isn't so bad". I felt like a BAMF of epic proportions. Suddenly, I heard a Strange Noise and my heart started to pound out of my chest. OHMYGOD. Somebody is breaking in RIGHTTHISSECOND (except they don't even have to break in because the DOOR IS ALREADY UNLOCKED for them). I was fairly confident Hubby had taped a giant note to the door that read, "Attention all Thieves, Kidnappers, Murderers, Rapists, Lunatics, Rabid Wolves, Marilyn Manson or anyone else who considers themselves to be Scary Beyond All Reason: There is a Small & Defenseless Woman in here and I forgot to lock the door, so, have it. P.S. We also have Very Ginormous Flatscreen TV that you might be interested in as well." I was utterly and completely petrified. I heard the same noise again and, this time, realized that it was coming from the ceiling. The Elephant People who live above us and Never, Ever Sleep were on the move. Sigh. I had never been so happy to hear them clomping around.

Seconds later, I heard another sound and, this time, it definitely wasn't The Elephant Show. My mind immediately began to race as I attempted to determine what Weapons Of Self Defense I could reasonably access without having to walk past the front door. Anything on the other side of the apartment was out, which meant no knives, frying pans, or couch pillows. I had some pepper spray in my purse, but was my purse in my bedroom or by the front door? There was also, of course, my book of C.S. Lewis quotes/excerpts which is actually the Largest Book Of All Time. And I had nail clippers and tweezers in the bathroom which all of the airlines unanimously agree are Legitimate Weapons. The decision was putting too much pressure on me, so I just I pulled the covers up higher and clutched them around me as tightly as I could. I think we would all agree that bedcovers are basically like having our very own Invisibility Cloak, which is why we think know that being under them will successfully ward off Very Scary People and/or Things. Except I was still freaked out of my mind.

Moments passed. I was both Very Very Sleepy and Unbelievably Jacked-Up On Adrenaline which is a preposterously uncomfortable feeling. I'm fine, I thought. I'm fine. No one else in their right mind is even up this early in the morning. Very Scary People need sleep too. My thoughts were then interrupted by what I could have sworn was the door knob turning. I was paralyzed with fear. My life flashed before my eyes and, in that moment, the Spell lifted from body. With the moves of a jungle cat, I was off the bed and on the other side of the room in one swift, silent motion. I realized that my purse was, indeed, in the bedroom so I grabbed my pepper spray, unlocked it, and poised my finger over the button, prepared to open up a can of whoopass on the Vicious Murdering Rabid Wolf Kidnapping Marilyn Manson Rapist Thief Lunatic. I quickly realized there was no one else in the house but myself and the cats. So, I ran toward the door like my life depended on it (which it, obviously, did), locked the door, and raced back to my bed so quickly that I slammed my leg into the side of it and said a Very Bad Word. Then, I jumped under the covers, pulled them up high, and clutched them around me as tightly as I could. And, finally, now that I was both Invisible and Safe & Sound In A Locked Apartment, I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

Moral of the story: Ignorance is bliss. And, say no to drugs.


  1. lol - when I'm home alone I lock all three locks on the front door AND the one in the basement that leads to the garage. Which isn't all that bad considering that I USED to check every room and closet in the house before locking the doors....yeah, I'm right there with ya!

    1. Haha. Nice to know I'm not the only who is obscenely paranoid.

  2. Oh, Sara, pardon me for saying this, but I couldn’t stop laughing after reading this line, “I quickly realized there was no one else in the house but myself and the cats.” It certainly sounds like you were a bit paranoid that time. But if you have automatic door locks, then there’s no need to be paranoid again. Also, there are kinds of lock that are highly pick-resistant. Those Vicious-Murdering-Rabid-Wolf-Kidnapping-Marilyn Manson-Rapist-Thief-Lunatics (LOL) will have to drill the locks to open them.

  3. They work by locking the doorknob of the door, thus preventing the release of a spring-loaded latch that fits into the doorframe.

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